What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 01:36
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I could never make a relationship work though!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She was in good health!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She found it foreign!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why did i forgive my father ?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So whats the point in blame.
Put me off passion for life!!
Was to survive, this bastard.
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My life is so biszare .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why do narcissists avoid talking about the real issues?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Who then, do I blame.?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But it wasn’t much.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I said to her
This is soul school!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But ive been too sick for many years..
So, i spoilt her more .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One cannot live in the past .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
It was going to be , some day.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I never cut or harmed myself..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
(And it was in our own minds.)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was seconnd youngest,
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
All the time i was locked up.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We all went to grammer schools
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
What did i know ?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She married twice! .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I don,t even have a pension.
I was 9 years of age.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I think the readers, may guess!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And i lived it daily.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I have no regrets .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My family never makes their pension either.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was very sick at this time too.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I write beautiful poetry .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I waited trembling.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She wouldn,t have been !
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I will be 64.
She loved him until the end.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We were not on the streets..
Would this be the day?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Ive learnt so much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He knew the spot.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Comes on , in middle age.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But, we were locked up after school.
I was scared of men, in general
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im still living with it.
When she asked me how she looked .